中英双语小说连载 全球销量超1200万册的现象级小说 沼泽深处的女孩

27

Out Hog Mountain Road 猪山路外

1966

The shack stood silent against the early stir of blackbird wings, as an earnest winter fog formed along the ground, bunching up against the walls like large wisps of cotton. Using several weeks of mussel money, Kya had bought special groceries and fried slices of molasses ham, stirred redeye gravy, and served them with sour-cream biscuits and blackberry jam. Chase drank instant Maxwell House; she, hot Tetley tea. They'd been together nearly a year, though neither spoke of that. Chase said how lucky he was that his father owned the Western Auto: “This way we'll have a nice house when we get married. I'm gonna build you a two-story on the beach with a wraparound veranda. Or whatever kinda house you want, Kya.”

清晨，乌鸫扇着翅膀，棚屋安静伫立着。地面升腾起浓重的冬雾，在墙上聚成一团，仿佛大捆的棉花。花了几周的贻贝钱，基娅买了一些特别的东西，还煎了糖浆火腿、番茄肉酱，再配上酸奶油饼干和黑莓果酱。蔡斯喝速溶的麦斯威尔咖啡，她喝热的泰特莱红茶。他们在一起快一年了，虽然两人都没提这茬。蔡斯说着自己有多幸运，爸爸开了西部车行。“这样我们结婚的时候就能有一栋漂亮的房子。我会给你在沙滩上建一栋两层小楼，带一个全景阳台。或者任何你想要的房子，基娅。”

Kya could barely breathe. He wanted her in his life. Not just a hint, but something like a proposal. She would belong to someone. Be part of a family. She sat straighter in her chair.

基娅几乎难以呼吸。他想要她进入自己的生活。不仅仅是暗示，而像是求婚。她将要属于某个人了，成为家庭的一分子。她挺直了脊背。

He continued. “I don't think we should live right in town. That'd be too much of a jump for you. But we could build a place on tha outskirts. Ya know, close to the marsh.”

他继续说：“我觉得我们不应该住镇上，否则对你来说跨度太大了。我们可以在郊区建个房子，靠近湿地。”

Lately, a few vague thoughts of marriage to Chase had formed in her mind, but she had not dared dwell on them. But here he was saying it out loud. Kya's breath was shallow, her mind disbelieving and sorting details all at the same time. I can do this, she thought. If we live away from people it could work.

最近，基娅脑海里零星闪过一些和蔡斯结婚的想法，但她不敢深思。而如今，他自己说出来了。基娅小心翼翼地呼吸，她感到难以置信，同时脑子里在不停地理清细节。我可以做到的，她想，如果我们离开人群居住，这事能成。

Then, head low, she asked, “What about your parents? Have you told them?”

她低下头，问：“你的父母呢？你告诉他们了吗？”

“Kya, ya gotta understand something 'bout my folks. They love me. If I say you're my choice, that'll be that. They'll just fall in love with ya when they get to know ya.”

“基娅，你得了解一点我父母的事。他们很爱我。如果我说我选择了你，那就成了。他们认识你后会爱上你的。”

She chewed on her lips. Wanting to believe.

她咬住嘴唇，想要相信。

“I'll build a studio for all yo' stuff,” he continued. “With big windows so ya can see the details of all those dad-burned feathers.”

“我会为你那些东西修一个工作室，”他继续说，“装上大大的玻璃窗，这样你就能看清所有那些要命的羽毛细节了。”

She didn't know if she felt about Chase the way a wife should, but in this moment her heart soared with something like love. No more digging mussels.

她不知道自己对蔡斯的感情是不是一个妻子对丈夫的感情，但这一刻，她的心高高飘起，充满了一种类似爱情的东西。再也不用挖贻贝了。

She reached out and touched the shell necklace under his throat.

她伸出手，触摸他喉咙下方挂着的贝壳项链。

“Oh, by the way,” Chase said. “I have to drive over to Asheville in a few days to buy goods for the store. I was thinkin', why don't ya come with me?”

“啊，对了，过几天我得开车去阿什维尔给店里买东西。我在想，要不你跟我一起去吧？”

Eyes downcast, she'd said, “But that's a large town. There'd be lots of people. And I don't have the right clothes, or don't even know what the right clothes are, and . . .”

垂下眼，她说：“但是那个镇子很大，人很多，我没有合适的衣服，甚至不知道什么才是合适的衣服，而且……”

“Kya, Kya. Listen. You'd be with me. I know everything. We don't have to go anywhere fancy. You'd see a lot of North Carolina just driving over—the Piedmont, the Great Smoky Mountains, forchristsake. Then when we got there, we could just go to a drive-in for burgers. You can wear what you have on. You don't have to talk to one soul if you don't want to. I'll take care of everything. I've been lots of times. Even to Atlanta. Asheville's nothing. Look, if we're gonna get married, ya might as well start gettin' out in tha world a bit. Spread those long wings of yours.”

“基娅，基娅，听着，你会和我在一起。我知道所有事情。我们不用去那些豪华的地方。你能坐在车里看到北卡罗来纳州的很多地方——皮埃蒙特、大烟山。天哪。到那儿以后，我们就去免下车餐厅买汉堡。你有什么就穿什么。如果不想，就不用和任何人说话。我会处理好所有事情。我去过很多次了，甚至去过亚特兰大，阿什维尔不算什么。你看，如果我们要结婚，你最好还是慢慢开始出去，到外面的世界，展开你的翅膀。”

She nodded. If nothing else, to see the mountains.

她点点头。不为别的，也该去看看大山。

He continued. “It's a two-day job, so we'll have to stay overnight. In a casual place. You know, a small motel. It's okay, because we're adults.”

他继续说：“这事得办两天，所以我们要在那里过夜，随便找个地方住一宿。你知道，汽车旅馆。没事的，我们都是成年人了。”

“Oh,” was all she said. Then whispered, “I see.”

“哦，”她应道，然后轻声说，“我知道了。”

KYA HAD NEVER driven up the road a piece, so, a few days later, as she and Chase rode west out of Barkley in his pickup, she stared out the window, holding on to the seat with both hands. The road wound through miles of saw grass and palmettos, leaving the sea in the rear window.

基娅从未有过开车上路的经历，所以几天后，当蔡斯的小卡车向西开出小镇时，她双手紧抓座椅，眼睛一直看着窗外。公路蜿蜒穿过数英里的锯齿草和蒲葵丛，大海逐渐消失在后视镜里。

For more than an hour, the familiar reaches of grass and waterways slipped by the truck's window. Kya identified marsh wrens and egrets, comforted by the sameness, like she hadn't left home but brought it with her.

大概一个多小时后，窗外掠过基娅熟悉的草地和水道。她辨认出了湿地鹪鹩和白鹭，这安慰了她，仿佛她没有离家，而是携家同行。

Then abruptly, at a line drawn across the earth, the marsh meadows ended, and dusty ground—hacked raw, fenced into squares, and furrowed into rows—spread before them. Fields of paraplegic snags stood in felled forests. Poles, strung with wires, trudged toward the horizon. Of course, she knew coastal marsh didn't cover the globe, but she'd never been beyond it. What had people done to the land? Every house, the same shoebox shape, squatted on sheared lawn. A flock of pink flamingos fed across a yard, but when Kya whirled in surprise, she saw they were plastic. The deer, cement. The only ducks flew painted on mailboxes.

突然间，从地表的某条线起，湿地草甸消失了，尘土飞扬的土地在他们眼前展开——被围成块状的耕地上布满一道道犁痕。成片的树桩立在伐木林里。挂着电线的杆子绵延向天边。当然，她知道海滨湿地并没有覆盖整个地球，但她从没有离开过湿地。人们对土地做了什么？房子都是同样的鞋盒形状，坐落在修剪整齐的草坪上。一群粉色火烈鸟在院子里觅食，但当基娅好奇地转过去细看时，发现那只是塑料模型。还有水泥浇筑的鹿。唯有画在邮箱上的鸭子在飞。

“They're incredible, huh?” Chase said.

“令人难以置信，对吧？”蔡斯说。

“What?”

“什么？”

“The houses. You've never seen anything like 'em, huh?”

“房子。你从没见过那样的东西，对吧？”

“No, I haven't.”

“对，我没见过。”

Hours later, out on the flatlands of the Piedmont, she saw the Appalachians sketched in gentle blue lines along the horizon. As they neared, peaks rose around them and forested mountains flowed softly into the distance as far as Kya could see.

几小时后，在皮埃蒙特肥沃的土地上，她看到了阿巴拉契亚山脉在地平线上描绘的浅蓝色轮廓线。随着他们靠近，山峰在周围起伏，树木郁郁的山脉轻柔地绵延向远方，一直到她目力所及的尽头。

Clouds lazed in the folded arms of the hills, then billowed up and drifted away. Some tendrils twisted into tight spirals and traced the warmer ravines, behaving like mist tracking the dank fens of the marsh. The same game of physics playing on a different field of biology.

云朵在山的怀抱中游荡，然后翻腾向上，再飘向远方。一些卷须状的云拧成螺旋状，朝着温暖的山沟飘去，如同湿地的雾追踪潮湿的沼池。同样的物理游戏，不同的生物板块。

Kya was of the low country, a land of horizons, where the sun set and the moon rose on time. But here, where the topography was a jumble, the sun balanced along the summits, setting behind a ridge one moment and then popping up again when Chase's truck ascended the next rise. In the mountains, she noticed, the time of sunset depended on where you stood on the hill.

基娅来自低海拔的乡村，地势平坦，日月准时升落。而这里，地形混杂，太阳一时稳挂山峰，一时坠落山脊，车爬上另一个坡时又钻了出来。在山里，她注意到，太阳落山的时间取决于你站的位置。

She wondered where her grandpa's land was. Maybe her kin had kept pigs in a weather-grayed barn like the one she saw in a meadow, creek running by. A family that should have been hers once toiled, laughed, and cried in this landscape. Some would still be here, scattered through the county. Anonymous.

她想知道祖父的土地在哪里。可能她的亲戚在一个风吹日晒、旁边有小溪的畜棚里养猪，就像她在一片草地上看到的那样。一个本该属于她的家庭曾在这片土地上辛勤劳动、欢笑和痛哭。有些家人可能还在这里，散在乡间。无名之辈。

The road became a four-lane highway, and Kya held on tight as Chase's truck sped within feet of other fast-moving vehicles. He turned onto a curving roadway that rose magically into the air and led them toward the town. “A cloverleaf exit,” he said proudly.

道路变成了四车道的高速路。蔡斯的小卡车在其他快速行驶的车辆中间加速行驶。基娅抓紧车座。他们转上一条弯曲的道路。这条路神奇地升入空中，通向镇子。“这是四叶形立交出口。”他骄傲地说。

Enormous buildings, eight and ten stories high, stood against the outline of the mountains. Scores of cars scuttled like sand crabs, and there were so many people on the sidewalks, Kya pushed her face to the window, searching their faces, thinking surely Ma and Pa must be among them. One boy, tanned and dark-haired, running down the sidewalk, looked like Jodie, and she spun around to watch him. Her brother would be grown now, of course, but she tracked the boy until they turned a corner.

巨大的建筑，有八层或十层那么高，坐落在山脉的轮廓线旁。很多汽车在路上快速行驶，如同沙蟹。人行道上有如此多的行人。基娅紧贴车窗，搜寻着行人的脸，觉得爸爸和妈妈一定在他们之中。一个男孩，皮肤黝黑，深色头发，从人行道上跑过，有点像乔迪。她赶紧转身去看。她的哥哥现在应该长大了，当然了，但她一直看着那个男孩，直到他们转弯。

On the other side of town, Chase booked them into a motel out Hog Mountain Road, a single-story row of brown rooms, lit up by neon lights the shape of palm trees, of all things.

在镇子另一边，蔡斯在猪山路附近订了一家汽车旅馆。旅馆是一排棕色的房间，亮着蒲葵树形状以及其他各种形状的霓虹灯。

After Chase unlocked their door, she stepped into a room that seemed clean enough but reeked of Pine-Sol and was furnished in America cheap: fake-panel walls, sagging bed with a nickel vibrator machine, and a black-and-white TV secured to the table with an impossibly large chain and padlock. The bedspreads were lime green, the carpet orange shag. Kya's mind went back to all the places they had lain together—in crystal sand by tidal pools, in moonlit drifting boats. Here, the bed loomed as the centerpiece, but the room didn't look like love.

蔡斯打开门，她走进房间。屋里挺干净的，散发着清洁剂的味道，家具都是国产便宜货：假的镶板墙和装着投币按摩器的下陷的床。有一台黑白电视机，用巨大的链子和锁固定在桌上。柠檬绿的床罩，橙色的粗毛地毯。基娅的思绪飘回那些他们曾一起躺过的地方——潮水池边亮晶晶的沙滩，月光下漂浮的小船。而这里，床赫然是一切的中心，但整个房间看起来并不是爱情的样子。

She stood knowingly near the door. “It's not great,” he said, putting his duffel bag on the chair.

她机警地站在门边。“这房间不是很好。”他说，把自己的粗呢背包放在椅子上。

He walked toward her. “It's time, don't you agree, Kya? It's time.”

他朝她走去。“是时候了，对吧，基娅？是时候了。”

Of course, it had been his plan. But she was ready. Her body had been longing for months and, after the talk of marriage, her mind gave in. She nodded.

当然了，这就是他的计划。但她也准备好了。她的身体已经渴望了好几个月，而谈到结婚之后，她的内心也放弃了抵抗。她点了点头。

He came toward her slowly and unbuttoned her blouse, then turned her gently around and unfastened her bra. Traced his fingers across her breasts. An excited heat flowed from her breasts to her thighs. As he pulled her down onto the bed in the glow of the red and green neon lights filtering through thin curtains, she closed her eyes. Before, during all those almost-times, when she had stopped him, his wandering fingers had taken on a magical touch, bringing parts of her to life, causing her body to arch toward him, to long and want. But now, with permission finally granted, an urgency gripped him and he seemed to bypass her needs and push his way. She cried out against a sharp tearing, thinking something was wrong.

他慢慢靠近，解开她的衬衫，然后轻柔地转过她，解开内衣，手指在她的胸部跳舞。基娅感到一股兴奋的热流从胸部涌向两腿之间。她被推倒在床上，沐浴在透过薄薄的窗帘倾泻进来的红绿色霓虹灯光中。她闭上了眼睛。之前，几近过线但最后被她喊停的那许多次，他游走的手指仿佛带着魔力，让她的某些部分恢复了生机，让她的身体向他拱起，让她渴望。但是现在，当蔡斯最终得到许可，一种急迫攫住了他，他不再顾虑她的需要，只是一味做下去。她感到一阵剧烈的撕裂感，痛得叫出了声，觉得是不是什么地方弄错了。

“It's okay. It'll be better now,” he said with great authority. But it didn't get much better, and soon he fell to her side, grinning.

“别怕。现在好一点了吧。”他很有权威地说。但她并没有感到任何好转。不一会儿，他就喘息着瘫倒在她身旁。

As he passed into sleep, she watched the blinking lights of the Vacancy sign.

他睡着了。她出神地看着窗外闪烁的显示“有空房”的标牌。

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER, after finishing a breakfast of fried eggs and ham-grits at Kya's shack, she and Chase sat at her kitchen table. She was wrapped snugly in a blanket after lovemaking, which had improved only slightly since their first attempt at the motel. Each time left her wanting, but she didn't have the faintest notion how to broach such a subject. And anyway, she didn't know how she was supposed to feel. Maybe this was normal.

几周后，在棚屋里吃完煎蛋和火腿粗玉米粉早餐，基娅和蔡斯一起坐在厨房餐桌旁。做完爱后，基娅舒服地把自己裹在一块毯子里。他们的性生活只比汽车旅馆里的第一次提高了一点点。每次她都不满足，但又完全不知该如何开口谈这件事。而且，她也不知道自己应该怎么觉得。或许这就是正常的。

Chase stood from the table and, lifting her chin with his fingers, kissed her, saying, “Well, I won't be out much in the next few days with Christmas comin' up and all. There's lots of events and stuff, and some relatives comin' in.”

蔡斯从桌旁站起来，手指挑起基娅的下巴，亲吻她，说：“接下来几天我没法经常过来。圣诞节要来了，事情很多，还有不少亲戚来拜访。”

Kya looked up at him and said, “I was hoping maybe I could . . . you know, go to some of the parties and things. At least maybe Christmas dinner with your family.”

基娅抬头看他，说：“我在想或许我可以……你知道，去参加一些派对，至少可以和你的家人一起吃一顿圣诞晚宴。”

Chase sat back down in his chair. “Kya, look, I've been wantin' to talk ta ya 'bout this. I wanta ask ya to the Elks Club dance and stuff like that, but I know how shy you are, how ya don't ever do stuff in town. I know you'd be miserable. You wouldn't know anybody, ya don't have the right clothes. Do ya even know how to dance? None a' those things are what you do. You understand that, right?”

蔡斯坐回椅子上。“基娅，你看，我一直想和你谈谈这件事。我想邀请你去参加埃尔克斯俱乐部舞会和类似的活动，但我知道你有多害羞，多不习惯去镇上露面。我知道在舞会上你会很惨，不认识任何人，也没有合适的衣服。你会跳舞吗？那些都不是你会做的事。你懂吧？”

Looking at the floor, she said, “Yes, and all that's true. But, well, I have to start fitting in with some of your life. Spread my wings, like you said. I guess I have to get the right clothes, meet some of your friends.” She raised her head. “You could teach me to dance.”

她看着地板，说：“是的，这些都是真的。但是，我必须开始适应你的一部分生活，展开我的翅膀，就像你说的。我觉得我应该弄几套合适的衣服，见见你的朋友们。”她抬起头，“你可以教我跳舞。”

“Well sure, an' I will. But I think of you and me as what we have out here. I love our time here together, just you and me. To tell you the truth, I'm gittin' kinda tired a' those stupid dances. Been the same fer years. High school gym. Old folks, young folks all together. Same dumb music. I'm ready to move on. You know, when we're married, we won't do stuff like that anyway, so why drag ya into it now? Don't make any sense. Okay?”

“当然，我能教你跳舞，但在我心里，我们就是这里的我们。我热爱在这里和你一起度过的时光，只有你和我。说真的，我有点厌倦那些无聊的舞会了，数年如一日，在高中体育馆里，大人、年轻人混在一起。还有同样沉闷的音乐。我已经准备好向前走了。你知道吗，结婚以后，我们不会做那些事情，所以干吗现在拉你进来做呢？毫无意义，对吧？”

She looked back at the floor, so he lifted her chin again and held her eyes with his own. Then, grinning big, he said, “And, man, as far as having Christmas dinner wif ma family. Ma ancient aunts come in from Florida. Never stop talkin'. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. 'Specially you. Believe me, you ain't missin' a thing.”

她又看回地板。他抬起她的下巴，与她对视，露出灿烂的笑容，说：“而且，天哪，说到和我家人一起吃圣诞晚宴，我的老阿姨要从佛罗里达州过来，她最爱喋喋不休了。我不想让任何人承受这个，特别是你。相信我，你没错过任何东西。”

She was silent.

她没说话。

“Really, Kya, I wantcha to be okay with this. What we have out here is the most special thing anybody could hope for. All that other stuff”—he swiped his hands through the air—“is just stupid.”

“真的，基娅，我希望你把这件事放到一边。我们在这里度过的是任何人所能期待的最独特的时光。其他所有东西——”他向空中挥了挥手，“都很无聊。”

He reached over and pulled her into his lap, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

他伸出手，把她抱到腿上。她把头靠在他肩上。

“This is where it's at, Kya. Not that other stuff.” And he kissed her, warm and tender. Then stood.“Okay. Gotta go.”

“这里才是我们的地方，基娅，与其他任何东西都无关。”他吻住她，温暖，轻柔。然后他站起身，说：“好了，我该走了。”

Kya spent Christmas alone with the gulls, as she had every year since Ma left.

基娅独自和海鸥们一起过了圣诞节，如同妈妈离开后的每一年。

TWO DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS, Chase still hadn't come. Breaking her self-promise to never wait for anyone again, Kya paced the shore of the lagoon, her hair woven into a French braid, mouth painted with Ma's old lipstick.

圣诞节后两天过去了，蔡斯还是没有来。基娅打破了自己立下的再不等待的诺言，在潟湖边来回踱步，她把长发编成一条法式辫子，在唇上涂了妈妈的旧口红。

The marsh beyond lay in its winter cloak of browns and grays. Miles of spent grasses, having dispersed their seeds, bowed their heads to the water in surrender. The wind whipped and tore, rattling the coarse stems in a noisy chorus. Kya yanked her hair down and wiped her lips with the back of her hand.

远处的湿地拢着棕灰色的冬日斗篷。绵延数英里的杂草，在成功散播种子后，投降般向水面低下了头。风呼啸着，肆虐着，吹动粗糙的草茎，发出一片嘈杂声。基娅解下头发，用手背擦去口红。

The morning of the fourth day, she sat alone in the kitchen pushing biscuits and eggs around her plate. “For all his talk of ‘this being where it's at,’ where is he now?” she spat. In her mind, she saw Chase playing touch football with friends or dancing at parties. “Those stupid things he's getting tired of.”

节后第四天一早，她独自坐在厨房，戳着盘子里的饼干和鸡蛋。“他说了那么多‘这里是我们两人的世界’，现在人呢？”她呸了一声。她想象着蔡斯正和朋友们玩橄榄球，在派对上跳舞。“那些他厌倦了的蠢事。”

Finally the sound of his boat. She sprang from the table, banged the door shut, and ran from the shack to the lagoon, as the boat chugged into view. But it wasn't Chase's ski boat or Chase, but a young man with yellow-gold hair, cut shorter but still barely contained under a ski cap. It was the old fishing rig, and there, standing, even as the boat moved forward, was Tate, grown into a man. Face no longer boyish, but handsome, mature. His eyes formed a question, his lips a shy smile.

终于传来他的船驶过来的声音，她从桌边一跃而起，砰的一声甩上门，跑去潟湖边，正看到船进入视野。但那不是蔡斯的船或蔡斯，而是一个金发的年轻男人，头发剪短了，但还是只能勉强用滑雪帽盖住。是那艘老渔船，上面站着泰特，已经成长为男人的泰特。他的脸庞不再孩子气，变得英俊、成熟。他的眼中露出疑问，嘴唇弯成一个微笑。

Her first thought was to run. But her mind screamed, NO! This is my lagoon; I always run. Not this time. Her next thought was to pick up a rock, and she hurled it at his face from twenty feet. He ducked quickly, the stone whizzing by his forehead.

她的第一反应是跑。但她的内心尖叫着，不！这是我的潟湖！我一直都在跑，但这次不行。她的下一个反应是捡起一块石头，朝二十英尺外的泰特扔去。泰特飞快地躲开了，石头擦着他的额头飞过。

“Shit, Kya! What the hell? Wait,” he said as she picked up another rock and took aim. He put his hands over his face. “Kya, for God's sake, stop. Please. Can't we talk?”

“哦，基娅！你干吗呢？等一下。”基娅又捡起一块石头，瞄准他。他抬起手护住脸。“基娅，看在上帝的分上，停下吧。求你了。我们不能谈一谈吗？”

The rock hit him hard on the shoulder.

石头狠狠地砸在他的肩上。

“GET OUT OF MY LAGOON! YOU LOW-DOWN DIRTY CREEP! HOW'S THAT FOR TALK!” The screaming fishwife looked frantically for another rock.

“滚出去！你这个浑蛋！这谈话怎么样！”基娅像泼妇一样尖叫着，疯狂找石头。

“Kya, listen to me. I know you're with Chase now. I respect that. I just want to talk with you. Please, Kya.”

“基娅，听我说，我知道你现在和蔡斯在一起。我尊重这一点。我只是想和你谈谈。求你了，基娅。”

“Why should I talk with you? I never want to see you again EVER!” She picked up a handful of smaller stones and slung them at his face.

“我为什么要和你说话？我再也不想看见你！再也不！”她捡起一把小石子，冲着他的脸扔过去。

He jerked to the side, bent forward, and grabbed the gunwale as his boat ran aground.

他闪到一边，弯下腰，在船猛地搁浅时抓住了船舷。

“I SAID, GET OUT OF HERE!” Still yelling but softer, she said, “Yes, I am with someone else now.”

“我说了，滚出这里！”基娅仍然在尖叫，但声音轻了一点，“对，我现在和别人在一起了。”

Tate steadied himself after the jolt of hitting the shore, and then sat on the bow seat of his boat. “Kya, please, there're things you should know about him.” Tate had not planned on having a conversation about Chase. None of this surprise visit to see Kya was going as he'd imagined.

船撞到岸边，一阵颠簸，泰特稳住自己，在船头坐下。“基娅，求你了，有些关于他的事情你必须知道。”泰特本没打算和基娅谈论蔡斯。这次意外拜访的走向跟他想象的全然不同。

“What are you talking about? You have no right to talk to me about my private life.” She had walked up to within five feet of him and spat her words.

“你在说什么？你没有资格和我谈我的私生活。”她走到离他不到五英尺的地方，骂道。

Firmly he said, “I know I don't, but I'm doing it anyway.”

他坚定地说：“我知道我没有，但我还是想告诉你。”

At this, Kya turned to leave, but Tate talked louder at her back. “You don't live in town. You don't know that Chase goes out with other women. Just the other night I watched him drive away after a party with a blonde in his pickup. He's not good enough for you.”

听到这里，基娅转身就走，但泰特在她身后提高声音说：“你不住在镇上，不知道蔡斯和其他女人一起出去。就在不久前的一个晚上，我看见他在派对结束后载着一个金发美女离开。他对你来说不值得。”

She whirled around. “Oh, really! YOU are the one who left me, who didn't come back when you promised, who never came back. You are the one who never wrote to explain why or even if you were alive or dead. You didn't have the nerve to break up with me. You were not man enough to face me. Just disappeared. CHICKEN SHIT ASSHOLE. You come floating in here after all these years . . . You're worse than he is. He might not be perfect, but you're worse by a long shot.” She stopped abruptly, staring at him.

她一下转过身来。“哦，是吗！你才是那个离开我的人，那个没有遵守承诺回来的人，那个再也没有回来的人。你才是那个从没写信来解释或告诉我你是死是活的人。你没有和我分手的勇气。你不够男人，甚至不敢面对我。赶紧消失。鸡屎玩意！这么多年过去了，你又出现了。你比他还不如。他或许不完美，但你比他差远了。”她突然停下了，看着他。

Palms open, he pleaded, “You're right about me, Kya. Everything you said is true. I was a chicken shit. And I had no right to bring up Chase. It's none of my business. And I'll never bother you again. I just need to apologize and explain things. I've been sorry for years, Kya, please.”

他摊开手掌，恳求道：“你说得对，基娅，你说的所有都对。我就是鸡屎玩意。我也没有资格提起蔡斯。那不是我的事情。我再也不会打扰你了。我只是想道歉，解释一下。我已经愧疚很多年了，基娅，求你了。”

She hung like a sail where the wind just went out. Tate was more than her first love: he shared her devotion to the marsh, had taught her to read, and was the only connection, however small, to her vanished family. He was a page of time, a clipping pasted in a scrapbook because it was all she had. Her heart pounded as the fury dissipated.

基娅看上去就像是风刚过去的帆。泰特远不止是初恋：他和她分享对湿地的热爱，教她认字，还是她和消失了的家人之间仅有的微弱联系。他是一段时光，是剪贴簿上的一张剪报，是她的所有。随着怒火消失，她的心开始怦怦狂跳。

“Look at you—so beautiful. A woman. You doing okay? Still selling mussels?” He was astonished at how she had changed, her features more refined yet haunting, her cheekbones sharp, lips full.

“看看你，如此美丽。一个女人。你还好吗？还在卖贻贝吗？”他震惊于她身上发生的变化。她的脸更精致，同时也更摄人心魄，颧骨高耸，嘴唇饱满。

“Yes. Yes.”

“嗯，嗯。”

“Here, I brought you something.” From an envelope he handed her a tiny red cheek feather from a northern flicker. She thought of tossing it on the ground, but she'd never found this feather; why shouldn't she keep it? She tucked it in her pocket and didn't thank him.

“我给你带了点东西。”他递过来一个信封，里面装着一枚小小的红色颊羽，来自北扑翅䴕。她想把它扔到地上，但她从未找到过这样一枚羽毛。为什么不收下呢？她把羽毛塞进口袋，没有道谢。

Talking fast, he said, “Kya, leaving you was not only wrong, it was the worst thing I have done or ever will do in my life. I have regretted it for years and will always regret it. I think of you every day. For the rest of my life, I'll be sorry I left you. I truly thought that you wouldn't be able to leave the marsh and live in the other world, so I didn't see how we could stay together. But that was wrong, and it was bullshit that I didn't come back and talk to you about it. I knew how many times you'd been left before. I didn't want to know how badly I hurt you. I was not man enough. Just like you said.” He finished and watched her.

他加快语速说：“基娅，离开你不仅错了，也是我此生最大的错误。我已经后悔了很多年，还会继续后悔下去。我每天都会想你。余生我都将为离开你而愧疚。我真的曾经以为你没法离开湿地，活在外面的世界，所以我看不到未来。但其实不是这样的。我没有回来和你谈一谈这件事，这个行为简直糟透了。我知道有很多人离开了你。我不想知道我伤你有多深。我不够男人。就像你说的。”他说完了，看着她。

Finally she said, “What do you want now, Tate?”

最后，她说：“你现在想干吗呢，泰特？”

“If only you could, some way, forgive me.” He breathed in and waited.

“只希望你，在某种程度上原谅我。”他深吸一口气，屏住了呼吸。

Kya looked at her toes. Why should the injured, the still bleeding, bear the onus of forgiveness? She didn't answer.

基娅看着自己的脚趾。为什么那个受伤的、仍在流血的人，要承担原谅的责任？她没有回答。

“I just had to tell you, Kya.”

“我只是一定要告诉你，基娅。”

When still she said nothing, he continued. “I'm in graduate school, zoology. Protozoology mostly. You would love it.”

她还是一言不发。他继续道：“我现在在研究院，学习动物学，主要是原生动物学。你会喜欢的。”

She couldn't imagine it, and looked back over the lagoon to see if Chase was coming. Tate didn't miss this; he'd guessed right off she was out here waiting for Chase.

无法想象。她回头看向潟湖，看蔡斯是不是来了。泰特注意到了，他立刻猜到基娅是在这里等蔡斯。

Just last week Tate had watched Chase, in his white dinner jacket, at the Christmas gala, dancing with different women. The dance, like most Barkley Cove events, had been held at the high school gymnasium. As “Wooly Bully” struggled from a too-small hi-fi set up under the basketball hoop, Chase whirled a brunette. When “Mr. Tambourine Man” began, he left the dance floor and the brunette, and shared pulls of Wild Turkey from his Tar Heels flask with other former jocks. Tate was close by chatting with two of his old high school teachers and heard Chase say, “Yeah, she's wild as a she-fox in a snare. Just what you'd expect from a marsh minx. Worth every bit a' the gas money.”

就在上周，泰特看到蔡斯穿着他那身白色晚礼服，在圣诞舞会上和不同的女人跳舞。那个舞会和镇上其他大多数活动一样，在高中体育馆举行。音响放在篮球架下，声音太小，《毛茸茸的小野兽》[1]挣扎着流出。蔡斯伴着音乐和一位深褐色头发的女孩共舞。当《铃鼓先生》开始时，他离开舞池和那个女孩，同之前的一些运动员朋友们喝起了自带的野火鸡威士忌。泰特在和两个高中时的老师聊天，离得很近，听到他说：“对，她和陷阱里的母狐狸一样狂野。就像你能想象到的湿地风骚女人那样。这汽油钱简直太值了。”

Tate had to force himself to walk away.

泰特不得不逼自己走开。

A COLD WIND WHIPPEDUP and rippled across the lagoon. Expecting Chase, Kya had run out in her jeans and light sweater. She folded her arms tightly around herself.

一阵寒风刮起，潟湖泛起涟漪。基娅跑出来等蔡斯时只穿了牛仔裤和薄毛衣，此时正用双臂紧紧地抱住自己。

“You're freezing; let's go inside.” Tate motioned toward the shack, where smoke puffed from the rusty stovepipe.

“你快冻僵了。我们进去吧。”泰特指了指棚屋，有烟从生锈的烟囱里喷出来。

“Tate, I think you should leave now.” She threw several quick glances at the channel. What if Chase arrived with Tate here?

“泰特，我想你现在该走了。”她飞快地瞥了几眼水道。如果蔡斯来了泰特还在可怎么办？

“Kya, please, just for a few minutes. I really want to see your collections again.”

“基娅，求你了，就几分钟。我真的很想再看看你的收藏品。”

As answer, she turned and ran to the shack, and Tate followed her. Inside the porch, he stopped short. Her collections had grown from a child's hobby to a natural history museum of the marsh. He lifted a scallop shell, labeled with a watercolor of the beach where it was found, plus insets showing the creature eating smaller creatures of the sea. For each specimen—hundreds, maybe thousands of them—it was the same. He had seen some of them before, as a boy, but now as a doctoral candidate in zoology, he saw them as a scientist.

作为回应，她转身跑向棚屋，泰特跟在后面。进了门廊，他一下子站住了。她的藏品已经从孩子气的爱好变成了整个湿地的自然博物馆。他拿起一个扇贝，上面标记着发现它的那片沙滩的水色，还有插图，显示扇贝如何捕食比自己小的海洋生物。成百，也许上千个标本都是如此。他还是个男孩时见过一些，而现在，身为一名动物学博士候选人，他开始用科学家的眼光看这些东西。

He turned to her, still standing in the doorway. “Kya, these are wonderful, beautifully detailed. You could publish these. This could be a book—lots of books.”

他转向她，依旧站在门廊里。“基娅，这些太美妙了，非常细致，非常美丽。你可以将它们出版。这里有一本书——很多书。”

“No, no. They're just for me. They help me learn, is all.”

“不，不要。它们只是我的。它们帮助我学习，仅此而已。”

“Kya, listen to me. You know better than anybody that the reference books for this area are almost nonexistent. With these notations, technical data, and splendid drawings, these are the books everyone's been waiting for.” It was true. Ma's old guidebooks to the shells, plants, birds, and mammals of the area were the only ones printed, and they were pitifully inaccurate, with only simple black-and-white pictures and sketchy information on each entry.

“基娅，听我说，你比任何人都清楚，关于这个地区的参考书几乎没有。有了这些注释、技术资料和精美的图画，你的书一定是大众期待的。”这是事实。妈妈有一些旧书，介绍了贝壳、植物、鸟类和这里的哺乳动物。这是仅有的相关出版物。但它们不够精准，每个条目下只有简单的黑白图片和概略介绍。

“If I can take a few samples, I'll find out about a publisher, see what they say.”

“让我带走一些标本，我能给你找一个出版商，看看他们怎么说。”

She stared, not knowing how to see this. Would she have to go somewhere, meet people? Tate didn't miss the questions in her eyes.

她看着泰特，不知该怎么理解这件事。她需要去别的地方，见什么人吗？泰特看到了她眼里的疑问。

“You wouldn't have to leave home. You could mail your samples to a publisher. It would bring some money in. Probably not a huge amount, but maybe you wouldn't have to dig mussels the rest of your life.”

“你不需要离开家，可以通过邮件寄送标本给出版商。这样能挣到一些钱。可能不会太多，但或许你余生再也不用挖贻贝了。”

Still, Kya didn't say anything. Once again Tate was nudging her to care for herself, not just offering to care for her. It seemed that all her life, he had been there. Then gone.

基娅还是一言不发。又一次，泰特推着她自己照顾自己，而不仅仅是主动提出照顾她，仿佛她的一生中，他都在。然后消失。

“Give it a try, Kya. What can it hurt?”

“试一试吧，基娅，又有什么坏处呢？”

She finally agreed that he could take some samples, and he chose a selection of soft watercolors of shells and the great blue heron because of her detailed sketches of the bird in each season, and a delicate oil of the curved eyebrow feather.

她最终同意让他带走一些标本。他选择了浅水色贝壳系列和大蓝鹭系列。大蓝鹭系列里，她详细描绘了鸟儿每个季节的形态，用精美的颜料勾勒出它们弯曲的眉羽。

Tate lifted the painting of the feather—a profusion of hundreds of the thinnest brushstrokes of rich colors culminating into a deep black so reflective it seemed sunlight was touching the canvas. The detail of a slight tear in the shaft was so distinctive that both Tate and Kya realized at the same second that this was a painting of the very first feather he'd gifted her in the forest. They looked up from the feather into each other's eyes. She turned away from him. Forcing herself not to feel. She would not be drawn back to someone she couldn't trust.

泰特拿起一幅羽毛作品——上百笔细致的笔画，丰富的色彩，汇聚成一种深黑色，如此鲜活，仿佛阳光洒在画布上。羽杆上的一处小裂口被描绘得如此清晰，两人都瞬间意识到这是他在树林里送给她的第一根羽毛。他们抬起头，看向对方。她转开身子。逼自己平复下来。她不会被拉回无法信任的人身边。

He stepped up to her and touched her shoulder. Tried gently to turn her around. “Kya, I'm so sorry about leaving you. Please, can't you forgive me?”

他走上前，手搭上她的肩膀，试图轻轻地把她转过来。“基娅，我离开了你，真的对不起。求你了，就不能原谅我吗？”

Finally, she turned and looked at him. “I don't know how to, Tate. I could never believe you again. Please, Tate, you have to go now.”

终于，她转过身看着他。“我不知道怎么原谅你，泰特。我再也没法相信你了。泰特，求你了，你该走了。”

“I know. Thank you for listening to me, for giving me this chance to apologize.” He waited for a beat, but she said no more. At least he was leaving with something. The hope for a publisher was a reason to contact her again.

“我知道。谢谢你听我说话，还给我道歉的机会。”他等了一会儿，但她没再说什么。至少他带走了一点东西。如果联系上出版商，他就有再次找她的理由了。

“Good-bye, Kya.” She didn't answer. He stared at her, and she looked into his eyes but then turned away. He walked out the door toward his boat.

“再见，基娅。”她没有回答。他看着她，她也看向他的眼睛，然后移开了视线。他出门向自己的船走去。

She waited until he was gone, then sat on the damp, cold sand of the lagoon waiting for Chase. Speaking out loud, she repeated the words she'd said to Tate. “Chase may not be perfect, but you're worse.”

她一直等到他离开，然后坐在潮湿冰冷的潟湖沙滩上等蔡斯。她大声重复着对泰特说过的话。“蔡斯或许不完美，但你更糟。”

But as she stared deep into the dark waters, Tate's words about Chase—“drive away after a party with a blonde in his pickup”—wouldn't leave her mind.

但当她深深凝视着暗沉的水面时，泰特关于蔡斯的话萦绕在她心上，徘徊不去——“派对结束后载着一个金发美女离开。”

CHASE DIDN'T COME until a week after Christmas. Pulling into the lagoon, he said he could stay all night, ring in the New Year together. Arm in arm, they walked to the shack, where the same fog, it seemed, draped across the roof. After lovemaking, they cuddled in blankets around the stove. The dense air couldn't hold another molecule of moisture, so when the kettle boiled, heavy droplets swelled on the cool windowpanes.

蔡斯直到圣诞节过后一周才来。他开船进了潟湖，说可以待一整晚，一起听新年的钟声敲响。他们挽手走向棚屋。屋顶上垂盖的雾似乎永远不变。欢爱后，他们一起依偎在火炉旁的毯子里。空气潮湿得难以再容纳一分湿气，所以，当水壶烧开时，雨点开始砸在冰凉的窗玻璃上。

Chase slipped the harmonica from his pocket and, pressing it along his lips, played the wistful tune “Molly Malone.” “Now her ghost wheels her barrow through the streets broad and narrow, singing cockles and mussels, alive, alive-o.”

蔡斯从口袋里拿出口琴，按在唇边，吹起了《莫莉·马隆》那充满怀念的曲调。“如今她的灵魂推着手推车穿过大大小小的街道，叫卖着鸟蛤和贻贝，还鲜着呢。”

It seemed to Kya that when Chase played these melancholy tunes was when he most had a soul.

在基娅看来，蔡斯吹奏这些曲调时，是他灵魂最鲜活的时刻。